Shino is a Chuunin
by remuus
Summary: Shino is a chuunin. A facinating and perhaps heartbreaking tale of chuunin-hood.


_**Author:** theshinykitty  
**Warning:** OOC  
**Disclaimer:** Naruto not mine_

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**-Shino is a Chuunin-**

(Shino POV)

The day I have been waiting for my entire life has arrived.

The day that I shed my heavy overcoat thing that I wear even in the blazing hot summer for some crazy reason, and put on... a chuunin vest.

Oh, the drab olive green color, the scroll pockets I can never get open, the uselessly large red spiral on the back!

...And no, I'm not going to giggle.

So here I am, standing on this stage, in front of a crowd of excited parents, and kids who were forced to come with their parents' urgings of, 'be like them, dammit!'

It all started a week ago...

(Cue fog machine)

**-  
One week ago   
(From here on out is happening in flashback)  
-**

I was walking along the dusty path, checking out the various bugs and insects (It's grasshopper mating season... w00t.), when my father flies out of a bush and blocks my view of a particularly fine pair.

"Shino, I have some exiting news for you," he said in a deadpan, leaves and grasshoppers sticking out of his 'fro.

I was partially hoping for him to tell me that he has changed the clan hairstyle from 60's to... whenever this is...

"Shino, you know how you want to be a chuunin so very much?"

I was about to burst out with, 'OMFG!11! WHAT?' and shake him until his bugs fell out, but decided to go with a calmer approach.

"Yes?"

He smiled at me. Or, I'm assuming he was smiling at me. You never can quite tell with our clan.

He began again "well, I've got a brilliant plan to make you a chuunin."

Anything. Anything to become a chuunin. I'll even... dare I say... take off my sunglasses! CHUUUUUUUNIN!

...So... Anyways, with that last remark HOPEFULLY only said in my head, I regained my composure and my father said, "There's this one catch though... You'll have to dress up as girl."

I mentally screamed.

But my mouth must have apparently not gotten the memo that said cross dressing Shino equals not happy Shino and said "okay."

DAMNIT.

Excuse me while I go douse myself in bug spray...

**-  
The Next Day  
-**

So, it turns out that some random girl was promoted to chuunin (above ME? Feh.), but she has apparently, in the words of my father"been taken care of."

Now, my dad plans to send me as a 'replacement' for the girl to accept the chuunin vest.

See, you probably don't know this since the village doesn't like to publicize this, but once you put on a chuunin vest, it stays on you forever.

Unless of course a jounin vest beats the chuunin vest off, and then the Jounin vest stays on forever. Unless that is if you get an ANBU uniform, which just so happens to like... a plus 4 Mage level 136, and the jounin vest will hop off, and the ANBU uniform takes its place. You can take the ANBU uniform off though, because once you put on an ANBU uniform, all the other vests are scared of you.

It's all politics I tell you.

So now, here I am, in my mother's closet, me standing silently to the side, her picking out a spiffy new outfit for me to wear.

When we first told her I had to dress as a girl, I expected mass fainting and hands being held to foreheads, or at least a sweat drop. Instead, my mother gushed and cried, "I've always wanted a girl!"

God help me.

"Oh Shino, come here! I've found the most DARLING dress for you!"

She held up a frilly pink dress. There was lace and ribbons and all sorts of not-Shino-y things sticking off it.

Thankfully, my bugs reacted before I could choke on my own gasping spit and die, and immediately ate the entire thing.

"...Oh... Well, I guess I can... pick something else..." she said with a sniffle. But then she went back through looking through dresses and was happy again.

...Women and their mood swings...

After seeing her eye a frightfully pink and orange and green contraption, I quickly said, "er... Mother... I think we should save this for another day..."

I looked at the rest of my mother's horrible clothing and added, "How about we go shopping for a new outfit tomorrow?"

She looked disappointed for a few seconds, before the mood swinging kicked in, and she brightened up and said, "Great! I know THE MOST adorable dress shop on Main! I think it's called 'Frills and Things'!"

...All for chuunin, all for chuunin.

For the rest of the day, I cried in the corner.

**-  
The Next Day  
-**

I can practically SMELL the pink in the air as my Mother and I walk through the entrance of the aptly named store, 'Frills and Things'. Frills indeed. I thought I accidentally stepped back in to the 1930's when I saw the overwhelming amount of... frills... and... things...

I guess the store itself wasn't that bad, although I had to pretend I was looking at kunai in the neighboring store when Kiba saw me standing near the entrance of 'Frills and Things'... It was what was inside that scared the living larvae out of me. Dresses and buttons and bonnets of all shapes and sizes. I think all the bugs I ever accidentally stepped on have come back to haunt me.

My mother immediately ran to the clearance rack, bargaining instincts magnetically attracted to the words, '50 percent off.'

Oh great. Not only do I have to wear an ugly dress, I have to wear a dress on clearance that even the MAKERS of the ugly dresses deem ugly.

"Shino, honey!" She called.

I saw some girls standing off to the side giggle at me.

I didn't get embarrassed or anything, because they were wearing frilly pink bonnets. I just don't find it offensive when people in bonnets laugh at me. If anything, I should be laughing at them, so I set my bugs on them. Teach them bonnety bastards to laugh at me!

...Um...

"Shino, come here, I have found THE cutest thing!" She then held up a small cat.

I looked at it for a few seconds, then back to my mother. "...Mother... I think that's a cat..."

She looked at it. "No it's not honey! See, it's just designed to look like a cat"

I looked closer and realized she was right.

"But still, I think it's too small..." I pointed to the small bit of brown fabric hanging off her finger.

"Nonsense, honey! I think you need to loose some weight anyways."

Even though I'm a guy, and don't need to worry about my looks, I still was a bit offended. And by offended I mean sad.

I ran crying out of the store and stood by the entrance sniffling and waiting for my mom to rush out screaming"I'M SO SORRY" And then I looked through the window of 'Frills and Things,' and realized she was still scrounging through the clearance rack.

Damn, I wasted Grade A fake tears.

Oh well, it's not like she can even tell through these sunglasses.

I sighed and continued on home.

**-  
The Next Day  
-**

When I woke up the next day, my eyes were immediately assaulted by a million hideous dresses.

"Gah!" I immediately put on my sunglasses. Sunlight scares me…

"Shino! I bought these after you left the store! You just HAVE to try them all on!"

I looked around once more at all of the butt fugly dresses and said, "Okay... at first it was slightly unsettling, now, it's just... creepy. Please leave."

"NO SHINO!" she cried, "I must see you in these dresses I picked out for yooouu!" I sighed a sigh of relief as my bugs carried her out of the room.

I looked about and picked up a normal looking black dress and burnt the rest.

A boy should never have to pick out his own dress, nor should he EVER have to say those words...

**-  
The Day of the Ceremony  
(End flashback)  
-**

Today's the day! The day all my dreams come true! The day I become... CHUUNIN!

If I had the money, I would have hired a symphony to accompany throughout that last sentence... OH WELL! Now's not the time for regret! Now's the time to rejoice!

I looked around, and seeing nobody, I frolicked. But only for about a minute. Frolicking is not Shino-y.

Feeling properly frolicked out, I put on my dress.

I opened my eyes slowly, and saw myself in the mirror properly. I gaped at myself.

Damn... I's be secksay...

...Wait, no! I meant ARGH!

Damnnit.

Anyways, a bigger problem is what to do with my 'fro. It's crazy I tell you! I decided to put some colorful bows and whatnot in my hair, and hoped people thought I was just born with ugly hair. And don't ask why I have bows... or I shall... y'know... set my bugs on you... and then you'll be... really... itchy...

After a small internal struggle in which my bugs and I conversed, I decided to... take my sunglasses off.

AH! Don't all gasp and die in horror just yet! Instead, I put on some regular glasses. You may think that I wear those sunglasses for only aesthetic reasons, but I do have some other purpose for them other than to raise my mystery factor, you know! The truth is... I'm nearsighted. Yes... the secret is out... Go ahead, put up some fingers and ask me how many you have up! ...Bastards...

I finally looked at my face in the mirror without my sunglasses on, and realized... that I am pretty... ugly, that is.

It pains me to say it through the dress and bows but... I think I need to put on some makeup.

Just as I turn around, my father bursts through the door.

"Hey, Shino are you- OH GOD! What the hell are you?"

"...It's me, father... your son... Shino..."

He squinted at me. Or, I'm assuming he was squinting. You can never quite tell with our clan...

"Oh... I guess it is you, Shino... You look..." he paused and thought for a few minutes, "pretty..." He then turned away and coughed.

"Father, I think I need to put on some makeup..."

"Oh... okay... Well, I'm assuming your still a bit scarred from the incident with your mother, so go call one of your female friends and have them put on some makeup for you." And then, he quickly left before I could yell out, 'Wait! Nooo!'

I sighed, and picked up my dusty telephone, and dialed Hinata's number.

**-  
Thirty Minutes Later  
-**

Okay... So Hinata is now in my room. Applying makeup to me. Again, some words that a boy should NEVER have to say.

I told her that my cousin, Shinoa (hey, shut up, I had to think fast...), was in town and was going on a date, but lost all of her ability to put on makeup because she hit her head on a rock, and also lost all of her makeup in a freak make-up mugging.

It's times like these that I'm thankful that Hinata's too quiet to point out how obviously fake my story is. Either that, or too dumb...

w00t.

Oddly enough, Hinata's quite the chatterbox when she's around the fairer sex.

"So, like, OMG, I like, so totally like this guy, and his name's like, Naruto, and like, I think he's like, really hawt, and like, yeah."

I pretended I actually understood her. "Uh... yeah. He sounds... hawt..."

This physically pains me.

"So like, I'm done!"

She hands me a mirror.

I suddenly have the urge to stab myself in the heart with a broken pencil.

My eyes are just... globbed full of eye gunk (no wonder I got stabbed so many times in the eye while she was putting it on...). My cheeks look like somebody smeared some blood on it, and my mouth ain't much better looking.

All in all, I kinda look like a hooker.

Great, if I go up on the stage looking like this, they're going to mark the event down as the first time a hooker becomes a chuunin.

"Uh... Yeah, it's great... Hinata..."

"OMG! I'm so glad you like it! To tell you the truth, this is the first time I've ever touched makeup! My dad doesn't let me put this stuff on y'know?"

"Yeah... it... so... doesn't... show..."

"Oh thanks! Oh shoot, I like, gotta go! My dad's been like, soo buggering me to train more, but I'm like, no way dad, I wanna go shopping, and he's like no way, and I'm like..."

I quickly shoved her out the door and locked it.

My hands automatically reached for a tissue and wiped the gallons of makeup off.

Well, THAT was a total disaster...

I looked at myself in the mirror when I was done wiping it all off. At best, I look like a really hideous girl.

...Oh well.

**-  
At the Chuuni-fying Ceremony  
-**

As I walk along the floor of the Chuunin ceremony, trying to look as…girl-ish as possibly, I catch a view of Shikamaru.

Shit...

I quickly hide behind the nearest potted plant.

"...Shino... Why are you dressed up as a girl and hiding behind a bush...?"

Damn, he's found me!

I throw down a smoke bomb and make a run for it.

I make my way to another potted plant, and make camp behind it.

"Shino, I know it's you. You can come out now, I won't tell anybody."

I inconspicuously stand up. "Well, Shikamaru, how did you know it was me?"

He looks at me as if I'm an idiot and says, "'Cause I'm Shikamaru."

Damn... he's got me there...

"Anyways, why are you dressed up as a girl?"

So, I tell him the entire story, the dresses, the makeup, when Shikamaru found out I was really me, and so on.

"Hm... That seems like an awful long ways just to go just to become a chuunin."

"I MUST BECOME A CHUUNIN!" I yell, "BECAUSE I DON'T REMEBER WHY ANYMORE!"

He stares at me for a bit, shrugs his shoulders, and leaves to get some more mini hot dogs.

All of a sudden, the Hokage comes up to the stage and says, "ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 76th annual Chunnification Ceremony!"

People clap and whatnot.

He holds up a green flak jacket.

"Would Arubami Shiroi come up to the stage to receive your chuunin vest?"

Everybody looks around for Shiroi until I remember that's supposed to be me, and walk up to the stage.

"Uh... I'd like to that my family, and my… frien… GIVE ME THE DAMN VEST!"

I reach out for it, my fingers longing for the olive green fabric, but the Hokage holds it just out of my reach. I was about to bug the old bastard when he says, "Ohohoho... Do not be so impatient! The fact is..." He pulls off his Hokage's robes to reveal a... suit… and he's holding a microphone in his hands...

"The truth is, that you have a choice, between this flak jacket aaaaaand..." All of a sudden, Kiba comes out, dressed like Vannah White, sparkly dress and all, with a picture of a boat in his hands. "And a lovely vacation cruise for two to sunny Acapulco! It'll be yours if the price is right! Now, what's your bid?"

I look around wildly, to see if anybody else is hallucinating. But no, all I see is a crowd of people shouting various prices at me.

AHH! WTF?

I run around for a bit until I fall off the stage.

And that's when I wake up.

I look up to see the staring faces of Kiba, Hinata, my Father and the Hokage looking up at me.

I look back at them and say, "whaa...? What happened to the game show...?"

Everybody looks puzzled.

"Dude," says Kiba, "this ain't no game show."

"So..." I say, "it all must have been a dream... but it sure was a weird one! You were there, and you were there, and you offered me a cruise!" I point at the Hokage, who looks at me funny, and walks away.

"I'm serious" I continue, "It was crazy! I had to dress as a girl to get my chuunin vest!"

I look back at Kiba and he says to me, "Hey... you sure that was a dream?"

...Huh?

I get up off what seems to be the floor of a sleazy looking bar, nearly trip on a few beer bottles, and stumble to look at myself in the nearest mirror.

My face is covered in makeup, and I have bows and ribbons in my hair, and I'm wearing a dress.

...Damn.

"Heh... Shino... you sure can't hold your liquor! Even Hinata drank more than you!"

At that, everybody laughs.

I decide there's only one thing left to do.

I glare, and set my bugs on the lot of them.

Bastards.

FIN!

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_I… honestly don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this. My brain was foggy with all the flu medication._

_This be my first shot at a sort-of long story. So don't blame me if it sucks or is too short._

_YAY!_

_Read? Review?_


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